Emotion coaching step 1: Why it is important to give empathy to our children

Children need to feel unconditionally loved and supported by their parents. In order that we properly fulfil this role, we need to be able to relate to what our kids are feeling. This is not the same as agreeing with or sympathising with their every mood and behaviour, but simply that we need to acknowledge their feelings (even if we find that they are exaggerated) before we can help them redirect their emotions.

Yet it is alas all too easy to inadvertently undermine or dismiss our children’s expression of their vulnerabilities, particularly when we are trying to help them overcome a painful emotion or experience. When a child hears expressions like “Don’t worry, it’s not so bad” or “There’s no need to cry” they are likely to feel dispossessed of the right to feel that particular emotion.

Acknowledging someone’s feelings, particularly a child’s, not only tells them that it is ok for them to have that response but that they should be able to trust their feelings in the future too. And once they feel reassured and empowered in this way, children are likely to be more receptive to our suggestions as to how to improve the situation.

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2012/06/emotion-coaching-step-1-empathy.html

Emotion coaching step 2: Seeing our children’s feelings as opportunities for teaching and intimacy

Having acknowledged our children’s feelings, we are now able to see these ‘expressions of emotion as opportunities for teaching and intimacy’. Indeed it is at these very moments of emotional vulnerability that our child most needs our parental support. When our children are venting their feelings, we can use the occasion as a means of ‘showing them how it’s done’, coaching them through and out of their emotional state and showing them along the way how much we care about them. In this way our children will learn to be masters of their own emotion rather than victims of it.

Emotional coaching in this way builds on a connection and a sense of intimacy with our children which encourages them to trust us. And it also relieves us from the feelings of frustration, anxiety and sometimes impotence often felt by us parents when experiencing their emotional children.

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2012/06/emotion-coaching-step-2-seeing.html

Emotion coaching step 3: Observe and validate emotional state

When attempting to deal effectively with our children’s emotions, empathy is key. To help our children we need to have an understanding of what they are feeling and why they are feeling it, rather than just noting the fact that they are feeling it. Yet children are often unable to explain or even really know what they are feeling and can therefore find it impossible to put their experience into words. Being relatively new to the emotions game they lack the ability to be objective about their emotional experiences. This is where a little parental detective work comes into play; the ability to read the signs our children give us (body language, facial expressions and tone of voice), which reveal what they are truly feeling. So rather than asking our child what he or she is feeling, we can use observation and validation of their emotional state to help them work it. For example you could say: “it looks like you are feeling nervous about meeting your teacher” or “if I was you, I might be feeling angry at the moment, I’m wondering what might help you to feel better about the situation?” and you could even say “when I was your age I used to find friendships very confusing and sometimes that would make me feel lonely”

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2012/06/emotion-coaching-step-3-treating-childs.html

Emotion coaching step 4: Help your child to find words for their emotions. 

The world of emotions can be a very bewildering one for kids. Strong emotions come at them without warning and as they lack the life experience or the vocabulary to articulate these feelings, children can feel scared, overwhelmed or even guilty or bad about their emotions. Helping our children to give ‘a name’ to their emotion can help them to ‘own’ and therefore control it. Words are not only empowering, but they also ‘normalise’ situations, turning them from an unknown, amorphous mass and into something knowable and manageable. Research has shown that if we give our children a combination of empathy and convenient labels for their emotions, they are likely to be better able to calm down, react positively to stressful events and gain in confidence generally.

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2012/06/emotion-coaching-step-4-helping-your.html

Emotion Coaching Step 5: Set Limits and help your child problem solve

In this article John Gottman explains his top five tips for problem solving and setting limits:

1. Set Limits: having acknowledged that your child’s emotions and feelings are valid and ‘heard’, you can then work on explaining and setting boundaries for them. However it is key that you set limits in the spirit of empathy, rather than for punitive reasons. Never smack or hit.

2. Identify Goals: When you are absolutely sure that you have heard, understood and empathized with your child you can begin to work on identifying their goals by asking them to suggest solutions to the problem at hand.

3. Think of Possible Solutions: If your child struggles to identify their own goal, lend them a bit of assistance by offering a few of your own ideas. The younger the child, the less information they can take on board whereas older children are quite happy to brainstorm.

4. ‘Evaluate Proposed Solutions Based on Your Family’s Values’: When your child starts offering solutions of their own, ask them value judgment questions about their suggestions, for example do they think that their proposed solutions are ‘fair’ or ‘kind’ or ‘helpful to others’. Such questions encourage kids to think about the impact of their decisions and teaches them to put moral values in context.

5. Help Your Child Choose A Solution:

You can also offer guidance by referring either to solutions that you have yourself found helpful in the past in or though giving advice as to what you believe would be helpful. Discuss the whys and wherefores of using particular solutions before implementing them and follow through with  discussion on how effective  strategy their choice turned out to be. Addressing solutions in this way means that children will be encouraged to make informed decisions for themselves. It will also allow them to see mistakes as opportunities fro learning, rather than the sign of a devastating failure or setback.

http://www.gottmanblog.com/2012/06/weekend-homework-assignment-and-emotion.html