He hit me!”, “She called me stinky!” – the pleas for intervention from our children seem to go on, and on and on. Isn’t it a relief to know that we don’t have to take sides or intervene (unless they are really harming each other)… and that there are effective ways of teaching our children to be kinder to one another?

Here is a sample of some of our easy and effective tools for solving this issue

This works really well:

EMPATHY AND TRUST:

• Try not to intervene when your children are fighting (as long as they are not hitting each other seriously!).
• If they come to you whining about the fact that a brother or sister has done something wrong (as they will often do) tell them with empathy: “This fight seems to be upsetting you and I trust you to be able to resolve this on your own”.
• Try not to identify an ‘aggressor’ – it rarely helps to take sides unless there is obvious bullying going on.
• But keep an eye (or rather an ear, as you might decide to leave the room!) on the fights, to ensure that none of the siblings is subjecting the other to unnecessary force or stress.

Here is another suggestion:

SET A RULE:

• There are several rules to setting a new rule 1. A rule needs to be set respectfully 2. It needs to be set in the third person 3. It needs to be set in a non-threatening manner 4. The rule needs to be explained …and an optional 4^th we can ask our children to help us make the rule.
• An example might be:  “The new rule is: Fighting/teasing is unacceptable in this house”.
• The rule about using rules is that only one rule should be used at a time – and try not to invent them in the heat of  the moment otherwise they will begin to sound like reprimands.
• Set rules works because the rules set a framework or a gold standard for all family members, rather than acting like reprimands.

And then you can try:

TIME AWAY:

• An effective way to stop your children from fighting is to invite them to take some time-away, separately.
• The trick to make ‘Time Away’ effective is to impose this “consequence” (of their behavior) with empathy and without getting angry.
• This tactic usually works well because children usually prefer playing together, rather than alone, they are more likely to look for ways to work around the fights in order to avoid separation.
• This is NOT the same as a ‘Naughty step’, time away is not about punishment but about having a space to calm down in.

 

These are just a few examples of our Best of Parenting Tools. You can find more ideas and solutions to typical parenting challenges in our book ‘Kids Don’t Come With a Manual – The Essential Guide to a Happy Family Life‘.