We all lose our tempers from time to time. When our children are being particularly challenging, it can be difficult to keep our anger ‘in check’, and we can find ourselves yelling/shouting at our children when all we really want is for them to listen to us. But instead of encouraging our children to listen to us, what we are actually doing is teaching them that it’s okay to yell and that this is an acceptable way to get what you want. We are also teaching them that the only time to take us seriously is when we raise our voice. This leaves us in a rather difficult position as parents because this means that we are left with no option but to yell every time we want our kids to listen to us in future!
What we must remember is that as parents, and as adults, we have the power to control our emotions and prevent the situation (and our anger!) from escalating. After all, how can we expect our children to regulate their emotions if we aren’t able to control our own? We are the ones who have to model to our children how to deal with unpleasant emotions such as anger. We all get angry from time to time – the key thing is how we handle it. By finding constructive ways to deal with our anger and by showing our children that anger is a natural part of being human, we are teaching our children how to deal with strong emotions. Once children can regulate their own emotions they can then start to regulate their own behaviour.
So next time your kids ‘trigger’ you and you start to feel angry, use the following ABC steps:
- Acknowledge and accept how you are feeling (angry, stressed, frustrated, etc.). Listen to anger rather than acting on it – all emotions, including the unpleasant ones have a valuable lesson to teach us. By asking ourselves why we are angry, we can then take active steps to change the situation.You can voice it if necessary as you cannot expect your child (or your partner) to know how you are feeling.
- Breathe, breathe, breathe. Take a deep breath and count to five,
- Choose, how you are going to respond (instead of reacting). Options are to calmly explain to your children that their behaviour is making you angry and tell them the reasons why. If you’re unable to do this calmly and rationally, say to your children “I can’t deal with this right now, so I’m going to take a timeout, I’ll be back once I’ve calmed down”, then remove yourself from the situation entirely.
Once you do this, you can chose to apply some of the Tools/techniques in our book Kids Don’t Come With a Manual – The Essential Guide to a Happy Family Life to teach your children how to improve their behaviour and regulate their own emotions.
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