“When my eldest daughter had her first tantrum aged 2, I felt horrified. What was happening to her? What was happening to us? What had triggered this totally unreasonable reaction of wanting to lie on the floor, kicking and screaming at me?  Was it my fault? Above all I wanted the tantrum to stop! I was torn between wanting to reassure and comfort my daughter and a fear that if I did so I would get sucked in. So initially I tried to give my daughter all the good reasons why her demands could not be met. However rather than improving her mood, my attempts at explanation seemed to have the opposite effect, making her even more unreasonable and upset, which in turn made me more and more frustrated. I felt confused, upset and very alone with the situation. The fact that I had years of experience dealing with other children as a Montessori teacher only made me feel worse. ‘Surely I should be able to deal with my own child’s behaviour?’ I thought. It didn’t help that my husband believed that if we were to ‘indulge’ my daughter in any way whilst she was having a meltdown, we’d be reinforcing her behaviour and encouraging a lot more tantrums. Four years later, after many sessions coaching other parents on our parenting courses, I know that my feelings as well as my husband’s are shared by most parents trying to understand the age of tantrums (and beyond, as emotional meltdowns can happen at any age!). As one mother once said “a good day is a tantrum free day”. … When our children are young, it can sometimes feel as if tantrums will dominate and disrupt happy family life for ever.” Says Carole

“As a parent who has more authoritarian tendencies, I felt that letting our child have a tantrum would teach her that she could throw one anytime she wanted something, which would make our lives hell. My reaction was therefore to try to put a stop to our daughter’s tantrums then and there at any cost. This included yelling louder than her, putting her in her room and threatening her with wider punishments if she didn’t stop. When I began researching why children have tantrums, I learned that scientifically speaking, tantrums are the expression of frustration from a young brain yet to be able to process strong emotions – in other words the tantrum stage is not only perfectly natural but also to be expected. This meant that my repressive reactions to my child’s tantrums were both unfair and counterproductive. Empowered by this information Carole and I set about learning the most effective means of handling a tantrum, ones that wouldn’t include resorting to threatening, pleading, giving-in or threats.” Says Nadim

The first useful tantrum taming tool that we successfully tried, and now share with the parents on our parenting courses, is Empathy and Validation. Showing empathy to children, and validating the emotion they are experiencing, allows them to feel heard and understood. Be assured that this is not the same as ‘giving in’ to our children, nor does it reinforce their behaviour! Far from it, using Empathy and Validation is simply a method of reassuring your child that you are there and that you care. Telling your child, “This seems to have really upset you” or “You seem to be really frustrated by not having this …” can sometimes be enough to calm him or her down. More often than not though, the child needs to go through it before she can get through it. This invaluable tool also teaches children to better understand their emotions at an early age, and by receiving empathy they also learn to give it to others… a really useful foundation for their future.

If the situation at hand gets really tough on your child and he throws a full “temper tantrum”, he or she may lose physical control. This may involve striking out by kicking at you or others. If you can get near your child without getting hurt, or without too much of a struggle, try to hold him or her in your arms. Tell your child ‘I’m going to hug you till you calm down because I love you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself or anyone else.’ You can even call it ‘The Big Hug Time’ and do it whenever your child  loses control. If your child is in a public place (for example in the middle of a supermarket!), you should lead him or her to a quiet place, such as the car or a rest room and keep him safe until the tantrum has ended.

If you feel that your child can listen to what you are saying, we recommend offering him or her Limited Choices. Empowering a child with the offer of making a decision between two choices that suit us, can have an almost magical affect, diverting them from a tantrum in the wink of an eye. When we give our children choices, eg “Would you like to leave your friend’s house now or in 5 minutes” or “I can see you really want this toy, would you like to put it on your Birthday wish list or on your list for Santa?”, it makes them feel that they had a say and encourages them to move out of the  “I won’t do it” or “I need it now!” gear and into ‘thinking mode’.

But what about if your child is throwing a tantrum over something you can’t, or don’t want to give in to? You can employ the tried and tested tool Diffuse Whining and Arguing. First show your child that you empathise with their feelings but that situation is non-negotiable, for eg. “I can see that you really, really don’t want to leave your friend’s house, but unfortunately, we do have to go now”. If the complaints continue, simply repeat an empathic statement like “I know” or “I heard you” until your child understands that his or her demands are not going to be met. This may sound simplistic but this is actually the best way not to be drawn into an argument or a power struggle that could fuel the tantrum. Children being energy efficient, they quickly tire of tantrums once they know that we won’t be drawn in to them.

Another way of empowering our children to see their way out of a tantrum is through Problem Solving with them. This works really well with children aged 3 and over. At a later, calmer moment we can explain to our children how the tantrum made us feel, for example “I feel sad when you start screaming at me because it’s a rude way to talk to someone and it hurts my ears”.  We then ask if our children can think of a better way of communicating with us, for example, “What do you think would be a better way of letting me know what you want?” Once your child has suggested and agreed to try another technique for dealing with the issue, end the Problem Solving with “How would you like to be reminded of this technique in future?”. Problem solving in this way again encourages a move back into children’s ‘thinking mode’, teaching them how to self empower, and forms a discussion that you and they can refer to in future, rather than allowing a tantrum to take over.

When trying to weather out tantrums, it is reassuring to know that calmer skies lie ahead, for since a child’s brain matures around the age of four, tantrums tend to decrease significantly after that. Whilst most children (and even adults too!) tend to have the odd tantrum from time to time, their ability to apply reason in the face of frustration tends to lessen the frequency and duration of tantrums, particularly if you continue applying the tools listed here.

But, if you do find yourself in the eye of the tantrum years, try to keep calm, apply the tools listed here and, above all, remember that you aren’t alone!

For more tips on solving different types of tantrums and other parenting challenges, download our FREE mobile app (links below).